The Sweet Up and Down

Just a warning that I am going to be talking about relationships so if you don't want to read it then just ignore this and wait until tomorrow when I plan to write something unrelated to relationships.

I make the claim that the best words in the English language are 'scrotum' and 'pedophile.' I'm not really sure why I think that but I've always maintained it and to me the strongest word is, and always has been, love. It is the most powerful word in any language. It can move mountains and brighten the darkest sky. I've always been a hopeless romantic and have been looking for the right woman since I was 16. Last year I had though I found her but by the time the year was over I realized what a major mistake it was and I think I have gotten over her rather cleanly and quickly.

On February 1st, I met someone new. I violated one of my cardinal rules and approached her online. I made the rule of not asking out girls online because...well, I don't really have a reason. I just made the rule. Nearly two months later, Audrey and I said 'I love you' to each other. That brings up a good point. When is the right time to tell someone that you love them? In my experience, a minimum of roughly three months was used. Then, after the three words were uttered the girl would either realize she didn't truly love me or realize she loves someone else more than me. I try to gauge the girl's response and make sure they are right beside me on the boat before I let go with the L-bomb. I've been fortunate that I have fallen in love with girls who did love me back so the love I have given was not a complete waste.

I, in all honesty, believe that Audrey is the one I'm supposed to be with. It might be too early in the relationship but we took this chance after we both had failed previous relationships that ironically ended almost the same time. She lives in Topeka but I, and her, have tried to spend as much time as possible together. I can feel from the way she looks at me and holds me that she genuinely loves me and only me. I'm not competing against anyone else and it makes me love her even more. When Audrey says 'I love you' I know she is talking to me. It shouldn't be a chore to determine who you're saying 'I love you' to. Years of being hurt in that area have kind of jaded me but no matter what happens I will always enjoy hearing those words.

Audrey and I have talked a lot about our future together even though we both know it is probably too early to discuss things like that. The thing is, is that it feels right. I actually feel as if I'm truly ready to make the many leaps with this woman. She even owns dogs and I don't care about that. And dogs are usually a relationship killer for me. I don't like dogs. I have my reasons for that but I'll save them for some other time. The point is that it's early in mine and Audrey's relationship but I feel like we've been together for a year or more and I mean that in the best way possible. I'm scared because I've been in this boat before and have gotten hurt mainly because the girl was just a bitch and didn't care about my feelings. I'm well-assured that won't happen again because I think Audrey truly wants to marry me. And only me.

In closing, while I do feel as if it's too early to say 'I love you', I do really love Audrey. Whether this relationship work out remains to be seen and we really won't know until we're dead.

Until next time, I remain...
~Brian

I haven't had many girlfriends but the few I've had have taught me that nearly all women cheat, lie and are basically crazy.  I know what went wrong in nearly all the cases but still I torture myself and go for another girl who'll either cheat or lie and is basically crazy.  I still want to find the one girl I want to spend the rest of my life with but after being screwed over so much I found other things to be more important, like, keeping my toenails even and continuing my own personal quest to get Grey's Anatomy off the air.

X. Avoid Girls With Injuries
I've never dated a seriously injured girl--like one in a wheelchair--but it is on my list.  I did date a girl with a back injury and while she was nice and a decent girlfriend but her injury became too much of a focus during the relationship.  It kind of became a backdoor guilt trip she led me on.  I'm sorry you had an accident but count your blessing that you can still walk.  Some people can't.

IX. If Divorced, Investigate
I dated a girl in late 2002 who was a hot, older woman. She was much more mature--three kids, divorced--but we worked well together. I was with an older, mature woman and she was dating a teenager. Then something happened after we slept together. She disappeared. I wasn't able to get ahold of her and she never called me. I found out that she was still married. Now, marriage is sacred to me so I was an innocent victim but the lesson here is that if your girlfriend says she's divorced I would make sure. Although I'm not really sure how.

VIII. Don't Date Coworkers
I need to follow my own advice here because all of my girlfriends have been coworkers and all I can say is that coworkers are great for one-night stands and friends with benefits but I wouldn't recommend dating them. Enough said.

VII. If They Have More Issues Than the New York Times, Stay Away
The Times has been published everyday since 1851 and I know people have problems but if little things that happens to them causes them to break out into a panic then something needs to be done. I'm a good listener but if your life could fill plotlines on Dawson's Creek, The O.C. and One Tree Hill then I would rather just watch those shows.

VI. Once a Slut, Always a Slut
Sure they can always say that they can change and maybe some of them do but not in my reality. Once a girl is labeled a slut, to me that label remains there until I deem it suitable to have it removed. Now what qualifies someone to be a slut? It varies depending on the person. Sleeping with nine people but not remembering two of their names counts as does having three different guys as contender for your baby's father. But remember: a whore does it for money or power while a slut does it just to do it so let's give credit where it's due.

V. Being On Jerry Springer Is Not a Goal
I dated a girl who said that this was a goal for her family. Yes, they were marvelously screwed up but since I'm somewhat normal I kind of wanted to stay away from possibly being invited on the wacked-out talk show. Other girlfriends said it would be cool so I had to quickly talk them out of it because I didn't want to find out they were my half-sister or something...

IV. If They Say They Are Crazy, They Probably Are
A girlfriend broke up with me because she said she was crazy. I've had two girlfriends break up with me because they were crazy and in retrospect they might have been but the next time a girl dumps me when she's crying and saying "I'm crazy. You should get away from me" I will.

III. Be Weary When They Say "I Love You"
I've had three girls tell me they love me. One girl I have no idea of her whereabouts, another is happily married to someone else and the other isn't speaking to me and said she hates me. Maybe I just have a more solid definition of love. It's to the point now where if a girl would say "I love you" to me, I'd repsond with a "Who's the 'you' in that sentence?" they'd respond "You, silly" and I would turn and look over my shouldar, still confused as to who they were talking about.

II. Don't Date a Girl Who Already Has a Boyfriend
You'd think this would be common knowledge and I have no one to blame but myself. Someone had to get hurt and I'm glad it was me. I can take the heartache and disappointment and lock it up inside me where it will further irritate my ulcer. I learned a lot from that relationship that helped me later on but what a price to pay.

I. Never Date a Girl Whose Best Friend Is Male
This one is essentially responsible for destroying my last relationship. I know it sounds kind of silly but it's true. To me it just seemed like they were too friendly and although I trusted her, it was him I had little trust for. And just to prove how platonic their friendship was, she moved out-of-state and in with him.  By the way, they are now getting married.

So that's my top ten list. Maybe it's just me and I don't attract and/or fall for the high quality girls but still you can't deny that I've had extreme bad luck in the girlfriend department. Whether it's my fault, their fault or a combination or some other factor, hopefully I will be able to follow my own advice in the future.